on shame or guilt ...

I was taken by the concept of guilt the other day; one reads it in many places with views in favour and views against it. One hears the now common comment that guilt is that tool that religious people have used for centuries to keep others under their feet and oppression; I have also heard guilt is parents favourite tool to keep kids obedient. It made me wonder if there is a consensus on this topic amongst different world views and walks of life. I recall being told that there should be no room for such horrible feeling as guilt; it made me question, if it exists why is it there and what is its usefulness if there is one? as otherwise nature or evolution should have got rid of it long ago if it wasn't useful, as most things that do not exist this day.

Let us first define it and find its source then we can see its benefit or not, after all it has survived centuries of human life therefore it is one of those survival of the fittest characteristics I assume.

Let's start by differentiating between guilt and shame in the most possible simple way without going into a deep study of psychology; guilt feels bad about and act we commit, shame feels bad about ourselves, or in other words one feels bad for not following certain socially accepted norm while the other feels bad for not following a personally accepted norm. The easiest way to differentiate them is based on the common phrase of "guilt trip", the occasional action people use to put pressure on others to make us do something, it is external, it comes from others. Shame on the other hand is born from within, without no one's help. In either case these seems to be the commonalities:

a. admission of an act deemed unacceptable, wrong.

b. realizing is against some norm (either internal or external).

c. there is a desire to change.

Is shame the higher degree of guilt perhaps? maybe, as it is the internalization of it, as it is born from within me and not from the outside world. Perhaps then it is the more evolved form of catalysis for change.

Let's look also at the extremes to see where is the happy medium; on the one end there is absolute feelings of despair and depression due to this guilt, even a paralyzing emotion; not a very good thing to do, as any psychologist would tell you, as depression is not a happy place to go and more importantly it leads to no change nor progress, it is a place of no action, a very sad one. On the other hand there is the polarizing form of guilt/shame easily taken by narcissism, where the narcissist simply does not allow the feelings of guilt or shame to take over because it is intrinsically "too good" for them feelings; not healthy either obviously as this complete lack of personal responsibility is not a good place to be, because it leads to the same place as the other extreme, one of incapacity to change, to adapt, one space of another type of paralyzing emotion. Like any virtue, when taken to extremes it turns into a vice rather, and interestingly both extremes lead to the same place. It is clear I hope where the two extremes are at this point, a place where change does not ocurr. Where is that happy medium? let's see its usefulness in order to understand this and find that happy medium perhaps.

Let us observe the healthy usefulness of it then if there is any. I like how Islam and Buddhism see this concept of shame/guilt. It seems as this is one of the feelings that fuels change; Perhaps the intrinsic value of shame/guilt is exactly that, it has for generations been the catalyst for change, one of the many springboards to progress perhaps. Yet it seems to me that every group recommendation is to tap into it in a temporary basis, to use it as a catalyst and to keep going with the inspired change, not to dwell in it. We most know how to access it, I think, how to obtain this guilt/shame yet the question is: How to snap out of it? out of the pity party as some might call it.

Buddhism teaches to concentrate on letting go of the ego, of the narcissist me as a psychologist might say; while Islam teaches to lay on the ground as one method to get over it, what? when I first heard it I thought of how ridiculous this sounded, how would laying on the floor can help? but as I understood the concept it sounded more and more interesting, the idea to lower oneself even to level oneself to the ground, again to let the narcissist within us go and accept our faults as imperfect mortals we are. In my world of Christianity we say to humble oneself. Another technique was to drink water, as guilt/shame is a fire that burns within; I like these techniques from other views as they make sense when one understands the idea behind; the idea of drinking water as it kills the fire that burns inside us when these feelings come in. The ultimate is the concept of accepting oneself after realizing its errors, to let go, or as some prescribe to ask and obtain forgiveness, to change, to make the necessary changes and keep going onto the next task.

If guilt/shame are certainly a catalyst to change then it is the change itself that will put an end to these feelings, as we change, as we achieve those goals of changing our behaviour for the better.

Can this be the reason why these feelings still exist? because they can produce the so necessary change within us? I like to think so, I see its usefulness, it sure can be a great catalyst for change, it sure helps me as a parent to help my kids produce change until they develop their own techniques to be responsible and produce change within themselves. It sure helps me stay on the course I choose to live; I am certain that there is a divine sense that comes with these feelings that guides us towards a better self, towards improvement; may we all make the best use of them ... let us all lay on the floor more often and let go of the ego, even be inspired to change ...