a letter to Missie about math (and boys) ...

Dear Missie:

I write to you this letter and post it publicly with the intent that it will be a repository and that you will always have it handy and read it if you may :) I am sure you have seen and read many of these letters from loving fathers to their daughters posted all over the internet already, all of them have something in common, an undying love, the love of us Dads for our daughters and our intent to say something to you our special little girls that will impact your lives, so bare with me.

As you turn into a young woman the idea of being attracted to boys grows stronger and stronger within you, this is something natural and yet something you must recognize and work with in a very smart way so it works on your favour; just like any of our attributes, and even flaws, they all serve a purpose on our growing, on our progress, they all exist and are to be used in the proper context; the key is finding that context in which they should be used I suppose.

Since you were younger I have told you that choosing a partner is a game of mathematical odds, I say it because I love mathematics, other Dad's will say it different to their daughters because they love other things, but ultimately we are all saying the same. If you decide to get to know a lot of male friends do it on those terms, as friends, on group settings; if you do, you will achieve two things: to get to know them better and to not be so emotionally involved with any one of them in particular. What I am trying to saying here is that you should enjoy their friendships, their lives, their joys, their silliness, and carefully observe ... here it is where the wisdom comes, watch and observe carefully those boys, watch them all, not just the good looking ones, watch the silly ones, watch the nerds, watch the geeks, the outcasts, watch them all and observe.

I told you a while ago about this idea of a journal which I see you keep; write notes in your journal of some of the things you enjoy about each and everyone of those friends, again, not just the looks of boy A, but how smart is boy B, or how boy C makes everyone laugh, perhaps the quietness of boy D is attractive to you, those are personal preferences, write them all, enjoy them, write them because it is important to be grateful to others for what they offer to us, their intelligence, their wit, their kindness is something to be grateful for; and above all, be inspired by them, watch and choose to attain those attributes you admire in them. As time goes by you will start noticing more and more that you are attracted to certain attributes more than to others; still be kind and grateful for all of them, but you will certainly be drawn towards those attributes you chose to cultivate in you. Do you see how important it is to start from the beginning to look and enjoy certain traits? it is a game of mathematical statistics, I am telling you.

One day, when you will be older, you will start accepting those one on one invitations, you will go on dates, it will bring something we all humans share since birth, it is called intimacy; it is that special closeness, that special bond we feel when we hug as a family, is that special bond of unity we feel when we see our loved ones after a trip or absence and we run into each other's arms, it is those special words and terms we and only we understand (pataclaun, hahaha), intimacy is the glue that holds families together, it is those little expressions of love.

By then you will obviously know those boys well enough and your job will be to see them also in close personal interactions, to become more close in your observations. Here comes some of my first advice: if you knew them prior to that date no boy will fool you into who they really are, you will know and remember their actions with their friends, towards you, back on the day when you were just friends and were having fun all together. For the ones you just met and ask you out, that's where the challenge starts, and it is to quickly get to know them; you will need a quick run into time and situations to know their character as good as your other friends you knew from the past. Put yourself on situations where opportunities to watch will rise, at their family places for family dinner, watch how they treats their siblings, invite your friends and see their reaction, observe ... someone has said that it is important to always be surrounded by others at these times and I agree; it gives opportunities to observe. Later on, after many good and bad dates, some where you were so impressed and some where you were rather sad, you will have a better idea of how small your selected group of possible boyfriends has gotten and it's just fine, the mathematical odds game is working its course.

I learned something years ago, that our hearts have a room for where we place people, and that there is an special place inside there where you will place one day your husband; that special place has a key, and you and only you hold that key to let anyone in there. I also learned that because I hold that key I have a choice, the freedom to open it whenever and to whomever I want. Let me suggest to you to leave that place reserved for that special man that one day will be the father of your children, that guy whom you will share dreams, good and bad times; that man that you will place there forever; leave that special place and hold to your key, lock it for now. What to do in the meantime? not "love" your friends? what about a boyfriend? should you not love him? I like to think of the concept of "reserved seats", I want to suggest that you reserve certain spot, certain attitudes, certain feelings, even certain intimacies for that special person and in exchange ask from that boy one day if he has something special reserved for you. I am of the opinion that this will enhance your relationship one day, that you will feel both of that special union you will then share, that you both will have something on that special spot to share with each other exclusively. Is it outdated? is it possible? yes my love, it is. Don't let anyone tell you differently, you choose what are the things that special place in your heart  will contain, choose now what will go there and lock it.

What attributes should you look for in a boy? that is something you need to learn on your own my sweet girl, I rather tell you what attributes you should develop in yourself, that is my job as your Dad, those boys also have Mom's and Dad's as concerned as me on raising them, and they also teach them to develop certain attributes, be respectful of that. I truly hope you can understand the true meaning of the word beautiful and that it has nothing to do with how you look, you are beautiful as you are and become more and more beautiful as you develop traits that enhance your life, no my love, beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, beauty is inside you.

As you grow older you will choose to marry one of these boys, make sure you make that choice as you will be asked if you have come to that altar on your own free will and choice, not because he is nice, not because he makes you feel special, not because he is sweet and respectful, but of your own free will and choice; I cannot stress to you how important this is, nor can I fully explain properly what it entails and means to its full extent, so I'd ask of you to think about it, to ponder about it, to make it a priority to understand what does "of my own free will and choice" means. Make full use of that because one day he won't be sweet perhaps, one day he might make a mistake and be unkind to you or one day he won't make you feel special and that day my sweet girl you hold onto your own free will and choice, that day you will remember that you and only you freely chose him, to love him in sickness and in health, in good and in bad times. It was a choice you made freely and a choice you must be responsible, the choice to love him regardless of his imperfections.

My sweet little girl, I love you with all my heart, more than anything in this world, I remember holding you in my arms as you were born and promising to look after you as I cried; I try my best and yet I fail at it many times, simply because I am imperfect; and yet you in your loving kindness keep loving me, keep forgiving me, even when we fight or don't see eye to eye, or when I hurt your feelings or when I am not nice to you, you keep loving me. Know that that attribute is perhaps the greatest you can have in you; one day it will serve you so much and you will come to understand what I am talking about,  don't ever change that, life won't be that much different one day, that man you will call your husband one day, will love you with all he has and yet he won't be perfect; just like me, he will make mistakes my love, that day remember me and keep loving him just like you do with me, my love; you have the capacity to do so as I have tested it in my own life and your unmerited love towards me surely is the sweetest thing to taste in my life, because it comes from your free will, not from my doings, it is not an echo of my actions but rather an offer of your free will, I love you for that my baby, for your capacity to love and forgive. Don't ever let pride get in the way of love, my sweet girl.

Missie, you have seen me fix so many things in our home growing up, old stoves, broken fridges, TV's, furniture, etc. it is something I learned from Lito, my Dad; he could fix pretty much anything, I do it because I think there is value in the things I try to fix still, because I get something from watching them back in working conditions, from fixing them back to their potential use. Please know that everything can be fixed my love, anything and everything, know that the happiness one gets from fixing something surpasses the one one gets from opening a new one; what it requires is the desire to do so and to invest some time in it; yes, sometimes requieres to get parts outsourced and sometimes it takes a lot of time and effort but it is worth it my love, fixing things is also fun and makes you learn and value things a lot. As you fix things and issues one day with your husband you will find so much joy.

My advice on what kind of boy should you look for? I can only ask that you introduce me one day to   a boy that thinks that all can be fixed, not a boy that thinks that replacing things is the way to go, but that fixing things is; then perhaps we will repair TV's together :) until then keep enjoying being a young woman, choose what will you place in that special place in your heart, keep that locked and observe, observe in this game of mathematical odds.

I love you my baby,

Your pataclaun Dad ;)